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7:30 wake up. Not a fan. Goong to get my ass back to bed.

Woke up hungry. Having some cheese filled  pretzel bites. Not one the, I’m eating healthier list.

I did good last night.

I’ll add more today.

Edit 1: And I love writing you updates. I’m glad you enjoy them. I feel like I can talk to you.

No more sleep, damn it. Lots on my mind last night. Was up until like 4:30.

Rebecca gets dopy Adam.  Not the first time. Probably uses it for her head shrinking voodoo.

Wonder if I have a code word where I turn into an assassin when she says it. That would be cool. I’ll ask.

Grabbing smokes and breakfast. LU.

Someone came into my apartment and took my new headphones. Wasn’t gone long. Can’t find them anywhere. 

My ass is good at loosing shit, but I know I had them by the charger and haven’t left. It’s like my wallet the other day. That never showed up.

Keep your eyes open. Look for any change in behavior. Get ahold of me with anything. Please.

Damn it, I am so sorry.

Love the shit out of you. I’m concerned.

I can’t believe I am typing this. It’s so fucked. I sound crazy. It’s personality disorders, generational trama and money.

Be extra careful with your heart and mind. Andrea used my ADHD against me. Changed my environment, created chaos, disrupted my routines and overwhelmed me. Look out for it. It was meticulous and planned out.

She’s a mental health nurse. Rn/bsn.

I know Andrea talks with Joe. She is jealous and sadistic.

I don’t know what to say. I hope I’m wrong and he isn’t talking to Andrea. That you are safe.

Also my family are complet idiots. Seriously, was i Hitler in a past life?

Edit: Adam dld laundry, he even folded it. Found my sex world t you gave me. I like this shirt. Was looking for it.

I am so off my game. Had a really hilarious funny to finish with😃. Completely lost it.

Good night. LU.

Edit: point for malformed. Used it in an email. You can’t hear, so I’m asking. For a judgement from afar.

We’ve been having a somewhat one way conversation. I get that now. I can be dense.

This is hard to navigate.

I didn’t know what you felt safe with and not.

Ltsooy. I want the best for you. I will be more aware of the situation now.

I made some pretty big moves this last weekend to deal with everything. Still haven’t heard a peep. That’s good.

Not even Andrea. I really think they are done now. I had to do what you do with gang members and whatnot. Puff the chest up and not back down.

It’s not me. Only when I have to. I don’t like being that person. Interfering in your life was my hard line.

Silence speaks sometimes.

My family also. Them getting played by staj explains a lot. I’m filling a health care directive so they can’t interfere with my care again. They did the same with Andrea.

That was dangerous. I was in an acute situation. Bad information can hurt my care. And it could have screwed with my divorce.

Seriously, I have not seen them in over 6 months. They are next in therapy. Rebecca’s idea after that. She’s right.

She’s going to go all cliche and make me talk about my mother. I knew she’d get there. Damn therapists.

Good to be moving on to other topics more. I have  a good grasp on what all happened with Andrea now. That took over a damn year to unpack.

And aprently there are other topics. Hi mom.

I’m an emotional wreck for a while. Missing something.

Here I am, you have to let the crazy out slowly.😀

I don’t think I was aware of your pain as much as I should have been I missed some of it with the communication barrier. I do understand it all.

Ya. I’m a lot. “Ditto”.

As much as I sound like a wreck, this is me getting close to leveling up. Have to dive in the river of shit to get to the other side sometimes.(?).  My analogys have been off lately.

Rebecca is going to have a field day with me tomorrow.

LU Dearly. Any way I can. You are stuck with me. A less whiney version hopefully in not too long.

Hope he feels better soon. Maybe being in less pain will help. I do hope it does.

Just take care of yourself, mask on first, take no shit. Remember you are in a damn good spot if things go south again. I made sure. He can’t evict you under duress with what he has done.  Granted it would be a pain to deal with legally and living there. Just wanted you to have the options.

I got you.

Edit: I deemed Spiro “Sippy cup gangster”. I am very proud of that name. He was taunting me with what he could do. So I turned it around.

Got me information, he’s definitely a narcissist. I learned how to deal with them. It’s the ego… Always tells on them.

I am going to tell you the whole story sometime. They did spend a lot. I pissed them off to figure it out. I just had words. They had money. I think l did it. It was kind of mob style for a while. I was in danger. And by extension others.

Even pat who I was a caretaker for was threatened a few times. Ya… He’s 65 and disabled.

Thank you for believing me.

A little better of a title.

I woke up to a dream of you emailing me. Took me a while to understand it wasn’t real. It’s happened a few times.

It was only you saying you read what I write and want to hear it. Good, but if I’m only dreaming it could have been a lot more financial.

Stupid brain. 

Still moppy.

Title is lacking on thls one. Tired, smoke and bed. Maybey a sneak edit latter.

Loving the new earbuds. Sound great for buds and.I have music again. Used to be my car.

And because I’m kind of asshole not just a nerd:

Hope you had a good day. Goodnight.

I woke up around 6 for a while. Went to have a smoke. After I finished I realized my keys fell out of my pocket.

It’s cold as shit out. No clue what to do at first. Started panicking.

My old ass tried climbing in the window again, but a car was too close to the building to move the dumpster close enough to climb up. 

My pneumonia recovery was not liking this.

Gave up on that and just started pounding on windows. I was kind of freaked out. It was too cold for me to be out long and my lungs were not happy.

Was ready to call a Lyft to get somewhere warm.

Finnaly got a neighbor’s attention. Might have freaked him out a bit. Someone pounding on your window at 6 am, miiiiigjt do that. He got me in.

He was amused by it… My dumb ass. Maybey I do need a mommy.

My lock out issues are not unknown. I think it’s hilarious. Told people about me climbing in the window a few times.

You get all my dumb Adam stories. It’s an honor I bestow upon you. Ya, nerd today.

Makes me want to go home where this wouldn’t happen. We shall see. Almost 3 months on that decision with me filling emergency motions and requesting Andreas ofp be gone. Also told the judge I would like to move back to trama house.

I had said Andrea could stay there before. Judge was cool with me changing plans. Andrea got another talking to.

And… my dumb ass family has been listening to Andrea’s sister I found out today.

They are so far from equipped to deal with her. She could make them believe anything. She’s worse than Andrea. More calculated.

I set a boundary of not talking to Andreas family. They never listen. Have to manage them, been doing it for years.

I would not doubt the 72 hour hold was something she encouraged and taking away my ADHD meds. I’m happy the hospital staff knew better.

It did still screw with my care. That can be dangerous, It was for Andrea when they got involved with her care.

Hope you are having a great day, glad you got a good night’s rest.

Try to find a safe way to call. I want to see and or hear you. I would make me feel better. I worry.

Edit: I really hate dealing with the big situation. I had to dump probably 30 files on my family to try to get them to stop listening to Andrea’s family. They actually believed staj..

Some of what the psyc said was exactly what I’ve delt with before. Obviously they had no reason to keep me. But I was told what they were told.

I was able to talk to my therapist after that knows me better. They never talked to her.

My family is not worldly.

I have hundreds of more files on this. It’s a waste of time. Just can’t have them screwing anything else up.. I’m in a bad divorce. Anything can cause problems. It may be what staj is going for.

She is smarter than Andrea, scary smart. I fear her more. I do at least understand her. Hasn’t hardly said a word to me.

For tbe most part all i got from her, I believe, was the hearts in Facebook messenger… You and, I think alley.

Be safe. There’s a connection to you through Joe. I am convinced now. Andrea has talked to him. Talk to me when you can. Please.

Again I’m sorry. I should have probably taken my own advice and stepped back when I thought this may come. I couldn’t. You were my Jillian!

They are dangerous. Please be careful.

I’m going to check for my keys on my pocket and go smoke now.

A wild Josh appeared.

Haven’t seen him in months. He’s doing ok. Missed the guy. Randomly hands me like an 8th of weed. I don’t really smoke that much these days. I’ll take it, I guess. Haven’t actually bought any in 5 months. It just shows up.

Went to jakinoes for one and a pizza a with him.

That place is not the same. Apparently my friend Kelly got canned. Not surprised.

I don’t know how many times I helped her close because she was drunk. One night she was puking on the side of the building and I had to cover for her with customers.

She got somewhat better, and then worse again I think. Shes dating that dude that had the truck with the tire me and ally popped. I can’t imagine that helps, he’s a piece of work.

Also the woman he was harassing was there today. Talked to her for a while.

Still exhausted from just walking. Apparently it takes like 6 weeks to recover from this. Wish someone at the hospital would have informed me.

Finally looked into it.

Just now ran into my neighbor that has been out dealing with ice. He has the local info. I’m going to get my ass out there when I can. Record it all and work with the groups that are out there.

I can help. It’s what I was doing for red dog. Just need to be a lot more careful. This is a lot more dangerous. The mpd just tried to taunt me. Ice kills people.

I learned more about that man that was shot on eat street. He was protecting a woman from them. Was an observer so they wanted him gone. They knew him. That was to get rid of him because he posed a threat to them.

I have to do something when I can help. Mask on first, but I want to put some on others also.

I got a lot more information today.

This is utterly fucked.

I may need a nap now. Couple hours out and I am exhausted. Stupid pneumonia.

This got shmaltzy here. You know it all. Was missing you. Just remember we felt happy and safe together.

A wild Fin shows.

Hanging with a cutie in my building. Got fired for protesting something where he worked.

He has the most  badass jacket, other than my sex jacket, of course. All Russian looking. I notice these things for some reason now.

Seriously don’t hold back, I’ll deal. Better a friend Jillian than no Jillian.

Edit’ I did not realize how much I missed my ear buds until shoved these in my ears. Makes me happy to have music with me.

Got my ass a good deal too.

All done with the ugly stuff.

Got a little stoned, and am again very talkative.

Going to do Adam stuff for the evening. I have  that meeting tomorrow. I’m really interested in how that goes.

Going to have to put on the charm, we had a rocky start so far. I have never had that happen before. Granted I was sick and in the hospital for all of it.

Could be lucrative.

I want to get back to work. Still good for a while with money. I just want to make things again.

Still keeping up with things and learning. And I can totally use the charity I started with old voldy as an excuse for my employment gap. I did help start it and run it.  Juuuist not as long as they may think. They can call me for employment verification.

  It actually works really well in an interview. I can speak to the problem well. Did I tell you I did a sit down on camera interview with wcco a few years back. I have a recording of it somewhere.

They wanted to talk to Andrea, who was drunk as shit and ran off in her truck when they showed up.

So I did it. It was early on so I did not know as much as I do now.

Little awkward at times.

Had a good conversation with the reporter, he worked with outreach also, a big org out of Chicago. Needed Andrea for an interview, never was able to get it. I was working on building a relationship with him he showed signs of wanting to throw money our way.

I could have made that something. Only started to get going on media, it was working and then I  got pushed out. Was a really good story to be able to tell.

I’ll give this to Andrea, the way we did it was unique and more helpful than pretty much anything out there. I miss doing that. We actually effected change. I still have people recognize me on occasion.

Went out and had dinner at barbette’s tonight. Haven’t done that in a while. I really like that place. Very classic French, bit not too French. Should that make sense.

I think I might work on that website and app some.  At least poke them and see if they move. Still making progress.

I have the concept finnaly for my audio documentary and a recording. So ok, 3 projects not 2

I’m thinking more like this American life now. Just more of a central theme. Now it’s just called HEAR. ME.

Instead of SEE. ME. HEAR ME.

Audio only, kind of made sense.

My life narration for the last few days here apparently. Feel free to skim… I  tell you at the end…

Hope all is well.

My brain is still processing everything.

I just miss you.

I always will. Seriously, no one has ever understood me like you.

It’ll take me some time. I’ll get there. I tend to hold on to people for a long time.

It’s weird with you pulling back. Something is missing, right from when you started I felt my world change. You were part of me. The other puzzle piece.

I’m having a hard time with you being with someone like that though. I want you happy and safe. I’m worried you aren’t and won’t be.

We can be friends. I want that. I think we both need each other now. And I do think we are stuck together as I said earlier. I’m ok with that. I like my Jillian as much as I love her.q we Pop

Lu. You nerdy asshole.😜

I saw Marta this morning. She’s back home.

Best I could tell, as she doesn’t speak much English, they got her to a shelter for the night and she has an ofp.

She seemed really happy. So good to see. That was the guy that I saw on the bench saying his wife didn’t let him drink and had one with him.

That image of her her husband running off as I walked up will be burned in my mind. It was funny as shit in hindsight.

Got a big hug.

I’m enjoying writing all this. I hope it means something to you. I like telling you about my day and musing.

I lead an interesting life. I am ready for that to be over. Getting close.

This recovery is slower than I thought it would be. Went to go grocery shopping and nope… Got enough for now. Still winded easy. 

My dumb ass drinking too much last night didn’t help. Still worth it.

Interested to talk to that video guy. I’ll text in a few days. Have that meeting on the books for Monday at noon also.

I am trying to hold on to this real estate client. He’s bugged out. I forgot where I was contacting him from at first so he got me from a few numbers. 

Now I’m having banking issues. Wells Fargo keeps saying I don’t have the right contact info. I’ve tried calling them, went in to a branch and no luck. They can’t figure it out.

He was worried I’m trying to scam him.

I think I saved it. He’s a good guy, and I don’t blame him for worrying, I would.

Seriously. Was I Hitler in a past life or something.

Your going to have a novel here soon. I’ve been quite loquacious of late. It makes me feel connected.

Adam needs a nap. last night Adam was an asshole.. At least he left me a few smokes. I’m going to make him pay some day.

Lu…